Gone Fishing

For whatever reason, I have a voice inside my head telling me that there really is someone out there for me. This is some form or other of schizophrenia instilled in children (or at least this child) at a very young age. Yea, little third grade guy, don’t worry you caught Jenny behind the slide at recess getting the old three finger bang from Kyle, there are more girls out there. Don’t worry little high school pre-man, even though your girlfriend let six other guys in your grade fill the inside of her cervix (not to mention the one other guy in the grade below she let fill her rectum) with all different kinds of latex and petroleum products. There are other fields to plow. And yea sure, college is a time for experimenting, but did Becky really need three different orifices stuffed with ten different dicks (none of them yours)? It seems the mounting evidence against the lie that is “there is someone out there for you” is more than enough to abandon this antiquated belief. There is no one out there for anybody. While you and the rest of the brainwashed idiots sit on the couch and wait for “the one,” Kyle is putting his love stick in every hole of every girl you ever talked to, and he’ll end up married before you do. Whether you are looking to have sex, or have someone to talk to, or have a relationship, or just have someone to separate your penis from your balls and your balls from your legs with their fingers, you need to take who you can get. Put it in anyone that will let you, or anyone that’ll get drunk enough to not know. Take advantage of every chance you get. Talk to them all. Ask them all to come home with you. Put their hands down your pants and make them cup your nuts. But I’m giving you advice that I can’t even follow. So I put my laptop on the toilet tank and stand straddling the bowl. I get some shampoo or shaving cream or if I’m lucky, I even find some Vaseline. And I watch one of those girls I turned down because they weren’t my soul mate get so much pipe laid in her that her insides look like a Super Mario level. Eventually I take a step back, angle it down slightly, and let her rip into the toilet. I catch my breath, look down and smile. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, they aren’t lying. There really are plenty of fish in the sea.